What is falling in love?
The feeling of falling in love or infatuation is actually the feeling of focusing on the positive aspects of someone.
Most of the times, this happens at the beginning of the relationship, when you barely know the person, so it’s easy to spot only the positive aspects of that person, whether they are real or imagined.
While you focus on positive aspects, you actually shift your vibration, or energetic field, to a positive state. You can only observe positive aspects from a positive vibration, from a place of well being, from a place of positive emotions.
In other words, you use another person, as an excuse to connect yourself to Source Energy, or Love, or God or how ever you want to call it.
An other thing that causes these good feelings, is the fact that the positive aspects you see in the other, are actually your positive aspects too, that you haven’t acknowledged about yourself, and it feels divine to rediscover them in an other.
This is actually a big lesson to learn in the journey of loving ourselves. All the things we admire in others are actually within us. Otherwise, we have never have noticed them! You cannot notice something that it isn’t already in yourself. The reason you don’t see it in yourself, is because it has been stagnant or hidden for many years, because of society rules or external factors that made you focus elsewhere, but you certainly had them while you were a child. The more positive aspects you have in common with someone, the more attracted you will feel towards them, and the more delicious the experience of spending time with them will be. More on this topic here.
The False Falling in Love
The False falling in love , is when you encounter someone with whom you are a perfect match on many levels, with whom you have a lot in common, but unfortunately not in the good areas.
This is the person who hates the same things as you, who complains about the same life problems as you, who will get angry with you, who will laugh while making fun of certain people, who will get drunk with you, and smoke with you, who will cover for you while you do a bad deed.
You obviously will feel very attracted to this person, because of the multitude of things you share, but this person will give you a very hard time in the long run, and its purpose is to be a teacher to you, a though teacher, so you can acknowledge all the toxic behaviours you hold or that are strongly active within you, and decide to clear them out of your life. Once you clear out those behaviours out, this person will eventually disappear from your life. If you run away from this person without clearing the behaviours first, you will encounter a similar person in the future, until you learn your lesson.
When falling in love becomes bitter sweet
Falling in love can become bitter sweet out of 4 reasons:
1 : Fear of abandonment
The fear of abandonments is deep rooted in childhood experiences. As a child there might of been many moments when you felt abandoned. Maybe when you first went to kindergarden, maybe your parents worked a lot and left you alone a lot of hours, maybe your parents traveled a lot, maybe you grew up in a foster home. No matter the reasons, you developed this strong fear of being left by a loved one. As a child this fear was justified since you were depending on parents for survival, and let’s face it, if a parent abandons a baby, without offering it shelter and food , the baby could die. You must acknowledge that now as an adult you can perfectly depend on yourself, and even if a person you care for deeply leaves you, you will not die! Sure, you will be upset for a while, and maybe cry a little, or a lot, but you will not die! Because of this fear of abandonment, many people who fall in love, run away, simply to avoid the potential feeling of being left by a loved one. They prefer to be the first to do it, because it’s too painful for them to be the one that are being left. Or they will sabotage the relationship at the beginning of its development, especially when all things seem to be going perfect.
2: Codependency
Codependency occurs when a person lacks the ability to connect directly to Source Energy, or Love, or God or whatever you want to call it, and uses other people to do that.
Codependent people are usually very disconnected from selves, indulging in all types of distractions: partying, drinking, traveling, over eatings, video games, etc. They get bored very easily, and need constant entertaining from outside sources.
When they fall in love, and discover all these positive aspects in someone, they connect to Source Energy indirectly, and get addicted to the person that can offer them that feeling, since they do not know how to provide that feeling on their own.
These people can also be people pleasers, players (who date multiple people at a time), or suffer from some type of addiction, since once the person they admire leaves, they search immediately for a different supply. They are dependent on other people or substances to feel happy and to feel “love”.
The solution for this is reconnecting to self. To spend more time alone, in nature, without distractions, to meditate, to create some art, to dance, to sing, so you can establish the connection to Source Energy, or God, or Love or how ever you want to call it, directly, without other people.
3: Lack of Self Worth
Low self esteem may be developed in childhood , when we encounter parents or teachers that can’t be pleased. People who are not happy in their own lives, cannot be pleased no matter how much we try. You can go to these people and show them a Nobel Prize, and they still can find something to complain about : “Oh ..so you won an award? Big deal, Tommy won 2 of them”. As a child you translate this as not being enough, and not being worthy, and always try to be better and better to impress some people that can never be impressed! Usually these children are the nerds or top achievers of the class, and easily become workaholics as adults. When they grow up and fall in love, they will never feel worthy enough for that person, and they will try to delay as much as possible to be with that person. There will always be something they want to achieve first before being with the person they love, not realizing that, number 1, they are enough as they are, number 2, the positive aspects they admire in loved ones are also in them, and number 3, you can always achieve more as a team. If your romantic interest is someone like this, it can be very frustrating, because on one hand they will try to keep you close and hold on to you, but at the same time they will always need more time from you and delay as much as possible fully dedicating themselves to you, since there is always a goal they want to reach to feel enough.
4: Fear of Rejection
The fear of rejection stems in caring too much of what other people think of us. This is rooted in our DNA, from times when we depended on others for survival, when basically we had to be part of a tribe to have shelter and food and protection. In our modern days that’s not the case anymore. In fact more people discover the beneficial and empowering aspects of being alone, and the emotional freedom of not caring what others think of us. When we fall in love with someone that has several traits that can threaten the approval of our family or friends, we may freeze and not follow our heart. This is also related to number 2 : Codependency. We must find ways to be happy on our own without family and friends, so we can be free on making the choices that makes us happy and are in alignment with who we really are.
When the love fades out
The moment the spark fades away, is the moment you notice a negative aspect of the person you love, and you decide to focus on it. The focus on that negative aspect will make you feel very uncomfortable, for two reasons. First of all, if you noticed it, it means it already existed in you, in stagnant or activated form. If it was stagnant, now it gets activated. If it was already activated, now it gets amplified. The good news for this, is now you get the chance to acknowledge it and clear it out. Once you clear it, the aspect you perceived negative before, won’t have such an impact on you. It will become neutral and then disappear from your perception. The second reason it makes you feel uncomfortable is because it acts as a reminder that you are disconnected from Source Energy, from Love, from God or whatever you want to call it. You can only notice a negative aspect from a negative place of being. That’s why it is very common our love for someone fades away when we are unhappy in our personal lives: maybe a sickness, stress from work or other issues that keep us in a low state of being. The easiest solution for this, is to re-focus on the positive aspects and get back in that high place.
I hope this article can bring some light into what happens within us when we fall in love, how we can maintain the feeling or rekindle it, and why we run away from it, even if it seems counterintuitive.
Lots of love and healing to you all!
Laura Dogariu 